Artist Way Week Five: Recovering a sense of possibility (AKA surviving the holidays)

Here we are 2009.
I thought week 5 would have been easy with the fact that I was going to be away from all of my usual distractions and be in environments that kept me away from my computer, TV and such.

I was wrong.
Week 5 has the infamous "No reading" week.
So of course I stuck to it as much as I can. I did notice things about what attracts me. I am very much a shiny thing syndrome. It wasn't the sounds of the news that was luring at the travel centers on televisions but the flashing of colors.

The only "reading" I really did was recipes and driving directions.
I listened to so much music my ears ached actually.
I wrote when I can but I must say that the hardest part to all of this has been the daily pages.
I am turning a new leaf with it this week with me writing at the end of the day to get the crap out so that there is none there when I go to sleep and not there when I am up in the AM. We'll see if that works and if not switch back.

I have nicknamed this chapter the "why are you here?" chapter.
Why are you still stuck? Why do you want to even stay stuck? What keeps you there? What's responsible?

All tough questions. Stuff I pull from me like gobs of tar. Someone once described my emotional insides as if they were covered in tar. That the light that my heart could radiate was difficult to see. That will work I could learn to clear it. I did for a period of time and then it built up again. Changing anything in the name of love is always a bad thing. I never can stick to it when the love is gone.

There are things that I feel I am worth having. A very 4 year old approach to things but it's true.
The problem is that I can usually say how frivolous it is to have such things. Easy to do when I have no steady job, and yet I still allow myself joy. Dance classes and Tea House time being at the top of the list. I should do such things and yet I find that if I don't I am off kilter and not full on the inside. The problem I have to work on is allowing myself to feel good about these things again.

Of course thinking about the things I want and deserve in this chapter just sets me up for the next chapter of recovering a sense of abundance.....AKA....the money issue. LOL

I won't get into my feelings about that part yet. I do know that right now money is definitely something that doesn't like me because is never wants to hang around, but I digress for this reflection.

My Artist's date was definitely lees spectacular then last week. Mostly sketching for costume ideas. I used to have a journal which was blank and lined for such things. I need to find another one of those soon for planning and ideas. I never sketch usually. Not a skill I have really pushed but for costume ideas I can do enough.

Right now.....I fear the money.
More than ever. I need a job.....fast.....

Artist Way Week Four: Recovering a Sense of Integrity

So out of all the weeks so far this has been the most interesting and the hardest.
Focusing alot on my daily pages and what they are doing.
Thinking of creative space for myself and what works and what doesn't and what can be created.
And of course the extended Artist's Date.

The creative space portion of the project just triggered alot of frustration for me since I have no space to even consider calling mine so the job of trying to create such a space even if small is practically impossible. I did alot of thinking of what I wanted. What I dream about.
There is so much potential in where I am living right now. The only issue is that none of it I can really use and the way it is set up right now is so poorly utilized. Just a corner. That's all I require. A small "Luna Corner" for me to find some peace and creativity. Is the fact that the Tea House has become that for me a bad thing? The fact that I have no place at home for it and it takes a place outside of my home to find some peace? That is wrong. Peace should be in the home. Not stress and anxiety which is what is very much the status of things for me.

My Artist's Date for myself definitely had me playing outside of my normal realm. It was a mixture of things. I walked to Downtown, camera in hand and shot things that caught my eye. Alot of the first few shots was a collection of nature defying mad made things. Then it was textures, patterns, shiny vs dull. I felt very powerful and carried myself differently with a camera in my hand. I felt like a new person....a different person. It was a unique feeling. I took some pretty awesome shots I think and look forward to posting some soon.

The no reading for a week has been very hard. Recipes to follow and driving instructions being the exception this week. I have found that the removal of outside sources like that had my dream state go crazy. More vivid than usual and more interlinking than usual.

I'm also doing more digging in my brain for my dance stuff. I have two new ideas thanks to listening to a band practicing in my house. I need to practice more and drill more. The holidays have made it almost impossible to do so.
I'm hoping a week at home will help set things into a more solid format for me.
Drilling on Wednesday and Thursday. Walks on Tuesday and Friday (Friday has a band practicing in the house hence the imbalance of drilling vs walking). If March pans out the way I want and need I need to get in shape and ready for a dance event that will push me to my limits emotionally and physically so I really need to just do it. I need to get past my fears of failing and just start doing.
I got the most amazing compliment from my dance teacher saying that she saw me as "an artist". I have never gotten a compliement like that so hearing it has hit something in me. I want to create and build and such but my logic gremlin still has not been completely silenced. I need to find a way to silence the doubt.

Hopefully the next chapter will start addressing that. Knowing this project though I totally expecting it.

Week Three: Recovering a Sense of Power

The week has been an interesting one.
Work has made sticking to the project harder but I have found myself finding outlets more because of it.
Started a new story. No idea if it will bring anything through or not but I would like it to. If nothing else I am glad that new ideas are flowing.

The week was focusing on dealing with alot of emotions and situations.
Anger
Shame
Dealing with Criticism
Synchronicity
Growth

I haven't been as diligent with my daily pages as I should. I write just not the full 3 pages a day. I find the pages are just alot of whining and woe is me.

Personally I didn't deal with any synchronicity until today. My stress has been overwhelming and I needed nothing more than to get my muscles to relax at some point. When I got to the Tea House today they had a person here doing chair massages. I got a 20 minute massage which did me wonders.

What has me a little worried is that this process is pulling away more and more layers of myself that I am comfortable with and I don't feel like I am getting enough time to adjust to all of this. It's a rough thing for me. Finding a sort of independence about my life and my creative needs. Needs.....a word I don't normally use for me. Instead I focus on everybody else and I need to start working on just me.

This project is becoming more daunting than I expected. Kinda scary for me.
Week 4 marks the 1 month marker for me and this project and tackling the chapter on Recovering a Sense of Integrity.
Gods help me.
This project knows just what I am grappling with at a given moment.

Dance Class Week Three

So I got a rare treat in class this week where my beginner class time was just me and my teacher.
One on one time is always a rare treat and also gives me a chance to work on stuff that is basically geared toward what I need.
Shimmies are my bane.
I can never seem to grasp how it works. It's as if my brain can't process the lingo. I either lose control or can't seem to move fast enough or sharp enough.
I was grasping it going slow but there was a point where there was literally a wall and I felt like was out of control. No form.
It was a great class though.

Intermediate always dumbs me down. A second round of conditioning always kills me and the drills are so layered I feel like the "special" kid in class.
Everyone can shimmy in the intermediate class.
Everyone can shimmy and walk.
Can shimmy and walk and play zills.

Me? um....I can.....walk?

I'll get there I know but it really hard for me sometimes. I feel like the class is completely above my head.
Add to it that were doing choreography that I started MONTHS after others started and I am basically jumping in at the end makes me feel like I am at a complete loss in that class.

On the up side it is 3 hours of physical goodness. it is doing amazing things to my body so there is that.
I am finding myself comfortable in class which is really a huge step for me because I usually hate mirrors. Now I find myself focusing just on the class. Not on how I look in the mirror which is a nice change of pace.

I am still scared of the prospect of performing. Something I am learning on this new journey for me is that I have always done supporting stuff because I am afraid of letting out my own creative self. This is going to be one hell of a wall to break down.

Artist Way Week Two: Recovering a Sense of Identity

This week was completed but I know that this week was not an easy one for me. I came into the week filled with alot of doubt over what I was doing. Here I was focusing on me and my creative path and all I was feeling was guilt over it.

This week was about learning what helps me and what holds me back. Not just situations but also people. My fears I find are complex. It's not fear of failing. I'm afraid of my arts taking over. Making it impossible to do anything else. Alienating myself from love and friendships. I'm afraid of what would I do once I reach certain goals? Goal attained. Now what?

I have some amazing people who do support me but at the same time some of their own talents scare me into branching out. While speaking with a friend he asked me if my dance was a personal one because they had never seen me dance. It gave me pause and something to think on. I have only performed in public once and that was an end of the years dance school recital. I danced solo and it feels like a lifetime ago. I was just starting all of this. Trying to find my voice. A Tribal dancer in a Cabaret school. Everything had to be approved before I could dance in the recital. My costume, my music, my dance. They were afraid I was going to do something inappropriate. Instead I had others asking me what I danced and where they could learn. It was slow, deep and methodical. It was a total improv. I knew where point A and point B was but the road was to be determined during the dance. I felt like a vessel. I was a different person in that costume and makeup. When it was over I became myself again. Dance is an expression of my soul. It is baring myself more than any other art form I do and I think that is why it is so scary for me. When I am out there a part of myself that I probably want to shield more than show to the world comes out. I think a part of me is afraid of what people would think of her.

I am also afraid of just the time this all takes.
Classes, events, drilling, practice, costume building, music study. I enjoy all of this but what if everything else suffers? Work, love life, housework, helping Chad with his projects. I should want to work on me but I am afraid of it. Like it shouldn't be allowed. I actually was crying and apologizing to him for working on this instead of helping him. He simply kissed me and told me that I needed to work on me. That what was the point of working on others if I couldn't take the time to work on myself? So I finish everything today for the week.


The projects for the week I did and I have learned alot about my time. I am plugged into the web almost all the time and I need to start cutting that down. I know why I do it. Sometimes it is the only way I can connect with certain people in my life, but just like I can't be on the phone all the time I can't be online all the time.
So the Artist Date today was actually taking time to unplug and just read.
I'm re-reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I never finished it but I think with what I am working on it will be a good read. I very rarely unplug so I think this will be a good exercise for me to re-visit.

Next Week should be an interesting one. Recovering a Sense of Power. Alot of this all still feels so against my inner self. I hope I can really finish this.

Dance Class Week Two

I couldn't just stick to one dance class for the night.....oh no.
The offer was on the table last week hat if I wanted to I could do both the beginner and the intermediate class. Being a sucker for punishment I said yes.

Beginner class was good for me. I got alot of what was being taught. I need to work on isolating my upper and lower ab muscles but everything else was falling into place. Conditioning was just enough. So of course since I felt like I was on top of the world I needed to drop myself down a few notches.
Intermediate of course starts with conditioning.....AGAIN. Everything is to a 16 count instead of a 10 in beginner. So my planks falter after about 12. 16 push ups is doable but very painful. Drills around the room was the hip on the down because I mentioned it was not getting through my brain while doing the Asharah DVD. (Note to self: Never tell Joy your weaknesses she will always decide it's a great thing to drill for the night.)

We went around the room 4 times with that drill and I was getting it pretty well by pass number two but man it took alot out of me. We then moved on to the choreography which was NOT the fusion number but the choreographed ATS influences number. I got some of it buy some I mean when she took the time to break it down I started to get it. When she said, let's take it from the top and run it I was at a loss. Shimmies all over the place, half turns, flip flops. My brain flat lined and I had to sit out the rest of it until cool down.

She wants me to perform in April which I think I might be able to have the "white" number ready for. We'll see. It's a pretty emotional piece for me so we'll see where the next 3 1/2 months takes me.

I'm not in alot of pain which I am very grateful for.
I think tomorrow will be a good day of stretching and some walking to at least keep limber. Wednesday and Friday will be conditioning days.

All in all it was a really good night that I am pretty happy about.

Out for a walk....

Usually when I go out for a walk it's to make sure I'm burning enough calories for the day.
Today's walk was different.

I bundled up and heading out with my iPod playing the 6 songs I'm bouncing around as ideas for dance routines and started out.

I found myself settling into old habits. Staring at the ground, paying attention to my breathing and how fast I was walking. I had to mentally stop myself of that behavior a couple of times.

It was lightly snowing, the air was colder than I expected but not lung burning.
I rarely do the trip during the day and I found myself paying more attention to my surroundings.
How bare everything was looking with the leaves gone. Building in front of me that I had never paid attention to, open areas I never saw before. The old stone how has a "no trespassing" sign up and they are clearing away the ivy from the house. I was kinda sad that they were doing that but I was noticing now how dilapidated the house was. I also saw how some tree limbs were intertwining together twisting and twisting like the lines of a candy cane. I had never seen it before. The sign said no trespassing but all I wanted to do was go and explore more. I actually had stopped to just look and observe. I never stop walking once I start so the fact that I stopped for a good 5 minutes just to look was pretty amazing.

It was just enough of a walk too. I felt good, my head felt open. Cold yet not freezing.
I think these kind of walks are going to pretty important as this process goes on.